and so it comes around again

There are seconds when I feel hate for you. Or maybe "hate" is too strong a word. A flash of adolescent misogyny perhaps? Whatever it is, it's fleeting. I feel it and I want to keep it. Hating you costs me nothing but when it's gone whats left is intolerable.

You remind me of my weakness and every missed opportunity (there're more than I care to count). There must be some reason I can hate you. It's like a name I can't quite remember; it comes & goes and when it's gone I'm not sure it was ever there. I suppose there was that one stupid, inconsiderate thing you said. But I feel nothing when I think of it. No bitterness or hurt.

I sit here with this need for hate but all that comes to mind are the reasons I want you. Good reasons. What I wouldn't give for some puerile, superficial reasons.

and so I've arrived once again at the junction of desire and in-action.